Shesh whats wrong with me? Every year around this time I'm usually happy, and I love these holidays, but for the past two years, I've been so...depressed. 'Tis the season to be jolly" but clearly that's not happening. Now during this season I've been filled with nothing but sadness and anger. I go around and hear everyone making plans on doing something, with their friends and family, but then, in my head, I just think about the things I'm NOT doing with my friends and family. Some friends are not here, some friends are off doing things with their other friends and family, and some here don't want to do anything at all. And my family? Well, we don't do much during this holiday. The best New Year's celebration has been WITHOUT my family, and it wasn't too much. Christmas presents are sort of non-existant. And a tree? My family doesn't know the definition of a tree, at least not anymore. I used to love this time of year. I used to say, "the only good part of winter is Christmas. After that, the rest doesn't matter," but now, I hate winter all together. I can't seem to find comfort anywhere. When I'm home, I may be home alone, but the heat here is half on. Sometimes theres not much food here which leads me to go out to get some, which is somewhat of a walk, or order unhealthy take out. If I'm home at Jersey City, I have to deal with my sister, not to mention I'll have no friends there to hang out with. What bothers me the most is that no one wants to do anything, at all! I know this town does not have much to offer, but we can at least still hang out. But no one wants to do that. All I do is sit at home all day, playing WoW or some other mind-numbing game. I like games, but there is a limit. I do anything to be progressive, like learn new songs on the guitar or go out for a jog, but there needs to be more to my daily schedule. I'm going stir crazy! I'm angry that I'm so alone! I know I should appreciate the things I have, but, I just can't right now. I just want to do something!
I don't feel right sometimes. I feel like I'm a shell of what I used to be before. I feel like that I should be happy, and that I'm forcing myself to act like it, but deep down inside, I'm not. I'm not quite sure though. I think I've fooled even myself to thinking I'm alright, but I don't think I am. I'm confused I guess. I need to work this out. I really wish I had someone to talk to about this, but when I do, I feel like the person doesn't understand truly what I'm going through. Maybe no one CAN help me in this. Maybe all I have right now is myself. Maybe the only person who can help me is me.
I spend these last hours of the year not reminising, but exasperating. This blog wasn't supposed to be filled with posts of how sad or upset I am, but it appears to be the only way to channel this out. I can't talk to anyone about this because no one understands. I don't want to keep this bottled up though. This is the first time I've ever felt like crawling in a hole and hiding there. C'mon John, you need to get your head straight.
Here's to the new year...
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Demotivated
I finally have my head back on straight from yesterdays ordeal. I had some thinking time, some talks too, and I noticed something. Just recently, things were getting crazy, with my physical health low, emotionally upset, and work constantly piling up, I felt like I was about to lose it. But then, I found motivation. It helped me get through the hell storm. Once it was over, the motivation was still there, and I felt happy once again. I had the energy once again to pursue my hobbies, picked up a new song on my guitar, began running and lifting again, and took care of myself some more. But all good things apparently come to an end...I had some more talks with some friends, and now I am more confused than ever. I do not know what to do now and its coming to the point where I am beginning to lose that motivation that saved me. It stopped the dust from collecting on my guitar. It made me switch from the 20 pounds to the 40 pounds. It made me run along the Hudson River many nights. Every time I try to work more with this motivation, it seems that everything I do goes wrong. Nothing is going right! And my friends sure are not helping with it. I don't think I can keep this motivation anymore. As extremely cliche I think this sound and as much as I hate hear this phrase, it made me better, but now, I lost the motivation to keep the motivation. I don't know what to do now...
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Disoriented...
I'm not too sure what is going on right now. I feel so disoriented. Here is what happened.
There was a breakdancing jam today at Stevens. Being a past bboy, I really wanted to go, especially since it was at my own school, so I went. I arrive there and the competition has not started yet. It was mostly cyphers. I found Steve Gong and went with him to do a few things in the gym. I meet a few new people, dance a bit, nothing too extreme. So eventually the competition starts. There were 32 crews and it was a normal tournement style bracket. I unfortunately had to get a seat next to the speaker with loud music playing. For some reason, I did not leave that spot the whole night, probably because space was a bit limited...in a gym the size of Walker...So to tournement goes on. Long competition story short, a winner is a declared. This is where things got a little freaky. Me and Steve split up. He went back to Jonas, and I was about to head home. For some reason...I went to Jacobus to see if it was open. It was not. I then went to the bathroom upstairs. There was crap in the toilet...oh and on it too. I then went to Castle Point. I sat there thinking about a few things. Then I started to walk home. I cut through Babbio because the door was open and I head to the bathroom. I see some kid with a bloody nose. I leave the bathroom and I see some girl dressed like a devil or something. I leave Babbio and get to the park. I see this girl parked at the side of the road at the park throwing up. Her friend was standing next to her, tapping her foot, showing like she was impatient and wanted her friend to hurry up puking. It smelled a bit too. A car almost hits me as I pass the two girl's parked car. I get by second street and I hear some guy go, "So, uh can I have your number?" and the girl didn't really react. I stop by Dunkin Donuts to see a bunch of drunk guys harrassing a girl. The woman next to me on line calls the drunk guys douches. These guys continue to screw around more giving the guy running the store a hard time. I get my food and give the guy an extra tip for his patients. I get to the train station and see a crowd just running, running somewhere I have no idea. I begin to lose balance as I walked on the bridge. Through this whole thing, I lost my sense of time, but somehow had my sense of direction. I come home and ask the doorman to ask me a question, to see if I had a grip on my reality. I then get inside and ask my little to ask me a question. I answer the question correctly, so I still knew my reality, but things still did not seem right. I'm staring dazed at nothing! My world right now feels upside down. Throughout this whole thing, I had no reaction, or at least cannot remember one. Time is flying by. Things sound different and things far away sound close. All I know right now is that I'm home. I'm safe. I just had to write about this. I want to remember this feeling. This feeling sucks, but its...weird. Its interesting...
There was a breakdancing jam today at Stevens. Being a past bboy, I really wanted to go, especially since it was at my own school, so I went. I arrive there and the competition has not started yet. It was mostly cyphers. I found Steve Gong and went with him to do a few things in the gym. I meet a few new people, dance a bit, nothing too extreme. So eventually the competition starts. There were 32 crews and it was a normal tournement style bracket. I unfortunately had to get a seat next to the speaker with loud music playing. For some reason, I did not leave that spot the whole night, probably because space was a bit limited...in a gym the size of Walker...So to tournement goes on. Long competition story short, a winner is a declared. This is where things got a little freaky. Me and Steve split up. He went back to Jonas, and I was about to head home. For some reason...I went to Jacobus to see if it was open. It was not. I then went to the bathroom upstairs. There was crap in the toilet...oh and on it too. I then went to Castle Point. I sat there thinking about a few things. Then I started to walk home. I cut through Babbio because the door was open and I head to the bathroom. I see some kid with a bloody nose. I leave the bathroom and I see some girl dressed like a devil or something. I leave Babbio and get to the park. I see this girl parked at the side of the road at the park throwing up. Her friend was standing next to her, tapping her foot, showing like she was impatient and wanted her friend to hurry up puking. It smelled a bit too. A car almost hits me as I pass the two girl's parked car. I get by second street and I hear some guy go, "So, uh can I have your number?" and the girl didn't really react. I stop by Dunkin Donuts to see a bunch of drunk guys harrassing a girl. The woman next to me on line calls the drunk guys douches. These guys continue to screw around more giving the guy running the store a hard time. I get my food and give the guy an extra tip for his patients. I get to the train station and see a crowd just running, running somewhere I have no idea. I begin to lose balance as I walked on the bridge. Through this whole thing, I lost my sense of time, but somehow had my sense of direction. I come home and ask the doorman to ask me a question, to see if I had a grip on my reality. I then get inside and ask my little to ask me a question. I answer the question correctly, so I still knew my reality, but things still did not seem right. I'm staring dazed at nothing! My world right now feels upside down. Throughout this whole thing, I had no reaction, or at least cannot remember one. Time is flying by. Things sound different and things far away sound close. All I know right now is that I'm home. I'm safe. I just had to write about this. I want to remember this feeling. This feeling sucks, but its...weird. Its interesting...
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Physical/Mental/Emotional/Social Exhaustion
I write this because I think I will feel better once I do.
Everything has suddenly become so difficult. It has only been about 6 weeks into school, and already I feel like I have reached my limit. Lately, I have just been so physically tired since almost every day I have to walk to school. It is only a 20 minute walk one way, but then I have to walk it back as well. What is different this semester is that the bridge connecting Hoboken and Newport is open, so the time it takes to get to school is just a flat 20 minutes, but its all walking. I used to take the Pathtrain, which at least would give me a place to sit down halfway through the commute. It isn not the walk that tires me out however. I also sometimes do not get enough sleep the night before. I do not usually function very well without adequate sleep, so making room in my schedule to have sleep is a must, but you know how us college students are, we stay up late for no apparent reason. I really wish I could change my mentality to realize that the earlier I sleep, the earlier I wake up. I have been so tired that I do not really do what I used to do a few weeks ago. I used to hit the gym many times during the week, play tennis whenever I could, cook my own food, and stay physically healthy, but it seems as if I do not have time for that anymore. Whenever I do have time however, I am just so tired that the only thing I want to do is play video games. Its almost I am reverting back to my old self, my old lazy self. This semester, I do not have the luxury of staying at someone's dorm, a place with a bed to nap or relax. Guess I took Cianyl's dorm room for granted. Finding food to eat has because such a hassle. I want to order delivery, but in the back of my mind, I know that delivery is pricey, and on top of that, unhealthy. People always tell me to stop thinking about it, but I cannot help it. Money is not the issue to me, its the nutritional value. I would like to think that I have come a long way from the "Tubby" days. I would rather not go back to old bad habits. But sometimes, I cannot help it. I do not have the urge to cook my own food as much anymore, which leads me to ordering out, which leads to unhealthy habits, which leads to weight gain, which leads back to the lifestyle I used to live, which ultimately leads to sadness. I do not want to go back there again. Being physically happy is very important to me, and I have been, up until now...
What makes matters worse is that my mental stamina has almost run out. I was so worried about doing so well the beginning of this semester, I think I used up all my juice. I did start off well this semester though, I actually have a B in calculus for once, well for now, but now the material in all the classes are getting harder, and I feel I do not have any more focus left in me. I catch myself many times not paying attention in class. I feel like I always seem to switch my focus on other things, like looking at the weather outside, or picking at my nails, so much that I do not pay attention to the material in the class, material that is more conceptual to the subject and crucial to pay attention to. Not to mention, I have a few "joke" classes where I have no idea what is going on in. Its getting really hard to focus on almost anything any more. What can I do to feel mentally normal again? Its like, I cannot focus on this blog without looking around the room every once in awhile or looking outside the window for something interesting or picking at my nails!
On top of all this, I do not feel completely...happy, anymore. Generally, I am happy. You can probably see my smiling every now and then, and I can assure you that it is not a facade. Usually when I am smiling, I am usually thinking about something happy, that makes me smile, but lately, any happy though has been concealed from my mind. It almost feels as if I am on auto pilot. I tend to think, a lot, about anything, when I see something, I analyze it, even to completely random things, like how a tree branch looks like a hand. My mind is really random sometimes, its spontaneous, and its just the way I like it, but now with all this going on, I cannot seem to think...of anything, anymore. These thoughts would cause spontaneous outbursts every now and then, I would not call it tourettes syndrome, more like, keeping life interesting, but without any spontaneous thoughts, there are no spontaneous outbursts, which means a dull life. Where is the fun? I do not understand why I am feeling like this . Is it depression? Is all this causing me to lose my sanity? I try not to stay sad for too long, so if it is depression, I do not know if I would know how it feels like, and I feel as if I have a firm grip on reality. I know I am alive, I know where I am, I know who I am, I know the date, I know why I am at Stevens, even psychological tests deem me as mentally stable and understands his reality, but yet, I still feel I am on...autopilot.
With barely any time to myself, I cannot do many things I want. I am a guy that revolves around his hobbies, but with so little time, I cannot pursuit them. Like I said, I barely have any time to work out, tennis rarely gets fit in, even less with winter coming closer and closer every day, I have no time to look up new recipes to cook up, and my guitar that I got for my birthday is collecting dust! I do not have any time to do archery, go bowling, pay attention to Wall Street anymore, or dance. The only thing I seem to do is play video games, and I do not truly want to play video games all the time, sometimes, its just the only thing I can do. Its almost like a chore than entertainment. Being unhealthy and playing video games all day are my old bad habits. If I really did come a long way from the old days, and now I am going back to the old days, has all this work to get this far been for nothing?
I cannot not even pursuit my aspirations as well. I want nothing more than to go out and do the things I want, but I never can. I want to have fun, but it never happens. I always set goals, but I never succeed at them. One goal was to meet a lot of freshmen, get out there, and meet some new faces, but I have only met a few. Another goal was to go out and be active. Get involved with the school, but clearly, that is not happening.
I feel so alone as well. No one wants to do or can do anything most of the time. I am not the only one who probably has a busy schedule, but because of this, everyone else is tired as well. No one wants to do anything at all. The past couple of Wednesdays, days when we have hours and hours to do anything, we do nothing! Hall Brawls was just on Wednesday, and looking outside from the depressing windows of Jacobus, I felt....something. I cannot exactly describe what it was, but jealousy and anger are perhaps the closest words. Seeing everyone outside...having fun, and getting active, interactive with each other...while me and all my friends were inside, playing video games or doing some work because they had nothing better to do, or doing nothing at all! Fridays are no better. Everyone goes out on Fridays, remember? Last Friday was my friend Sam's birthday, and we went out...for once. His car broke down on the way to his own birthday get together, which was really bad for all of us. Even with this tragedy, that Friday was perhaps the best Friday I have had...in awhile. Fortunately for me, the next Friday, my friends from back home came to my place on this past Thursday. They needed a place to crash so they could visit the city on Friday. While they went to the city, I had to go to school, but they met up with me after class was finished in the city. It was fun to hang out with old friends. We actually got into Dave and Busters even though we were only 19. These are probably the only two "big" things I have done all semester. Almost every Friday I stay around school, looking around for people, anyone, that I know, that is willing to do something, anything at all. I just do not want to go home on a Friday at like 7 PM. That is no way to end on a Friday. Many times though, I do not find anyone to do anything with. Sometimes they go home, or already left to do something with their friends, or some just completely disappear off the face of the earth until Monday. But whatever the case may be, the result has been always the same every Friday for me, a lonely walk home.
Physically stability, mental stability, emotional stability, and social stability have been the four key points of my life, the four struts that keep me standing. These four struts are what kept me happy, and even when one or even two would give out, I could still stand, but now, with everything breaking underneath me, I feel as if I am...falling I guess. Whatever is happening, all I know is that something needs to change, now!
Everything has suddenly become so difficult. It has only been about 6 weeks into school, and already I feel like I have reached my limit. Lately, I have just been so physically tired since almost every day I have to walk to school. It is only a 20 minute walk one way, but then I have to walk it back as well. What is different this semester is that the bridge connecting Hoboken and Newport is open, so the time it takes to get to school is just a flat 20 minutes, but its all walking. I used to take the Pathtrain, which at least would give me a place to sit down halfway through the commute. It isn not the walk that tires me out however. I also sometimes do not get enough sleep the night before. I do not usually function very well without adequate sleep, so making room in my schedule to have sleep is a must, but you know how us college students are, we stay up late for no apparent reason. I really wish I could change my mentality to realize that the earlier I sleep, the earlier I wake up. I have been so tired that I do not really do what I used to do a few weeks ago. I used to hit the gym many times during the week, play tennis whenever I could, cook my own food, and stay physically healthy, but it seems as if I do not have time for that anymore. Whenever I do have time however, I am just so tired that the only thing I want to do is play video games. Its almost I am reverting back to my old self, my old lazy self. This semester, I do not have the luxury of staying at someone's dorm, a place with a bed to nap or relax. Guess I took Cianyl's dorm room for granted. Finding food to eat has because such a hassle. I want to order delivery, but in the back of my mind, I know that delivery is pricey, and on top of that, unhealthy. People always tell me to stop thinking about it, but I cannot help it. Money is not the issue to me, its the nutritional value. I would like to think that I have come a long way from the "Tubby" days. I would rather not go back to old bad habits. But sometimes, I cannot help it. I do not have the urge to cook my own food as much anymore, which leads me to ordering out, which leads to unhealthy habits, which leads to weight gain, which leads back to the lifestyle I used to live, which ultimately leads to sadness. I do not want to go back there again. Being physically happy is very important to me, and I have been, up until now...
What makes matters worse is that my mental stamina has almost run out. I was so worried about doing so well the beginning of this semester, I think I used up all my juice. I did start off well this semester though, I actually have a B in calculus for once, well for now, but now the material in all the classes are getting harder, and I feel I do not have any more focus left in me. I catch myself many times not paying attention in class. I feel like I always seem to switch my focus on other things, like looking at the weather outside, or picking at my nails, so much that I do not pay attention to the material in the class, material that is more conceptual to the subject and crucial to pay attention to. Not to mention, I have a few "joke" classes where I have no idea what is going on in. Its getting really hard to focus on almost anything any more. What can I do to feel mentally normal again? Its like, I cannot focus on this blog without looking around the room every once in awhile or looking outside the window for something interesting or picking at my nails!
On top of all this, I do not feel completely...happy, anymore. Generally, I am happy. You can probably see my smiling every now and then, and I can assure you that it is not a facade. Usually when I am smiling, I am usually thinking about something happy, that makes me smile, but lately, any happy though has been concealed from my mind. It almost feels as if I am on auto pilot. I tend to think, a lot, about anything, when I see something, I analyze it, even to completely random things, like how a tree branch looks like a hand. My mind is really random sometimes, its spontaneous, and its just the way I like it, but now with all this going on, I cannot seem to think...of anything, anymore. These thoughts would cause spontaneous outbursts every now and then, I would not call it tourettes syndrome, more like, keeping life interesting, but without any spontaneous thoughts, there are no spontaneous outbursts, which means a dull life. Where is the fun? I do not understand why I am feeling like this . Is it depression? Is all this causing me to lose my sanity? I try not to stay sad for too long, so if it is depression, I do not know if I would know how it feels like, and I feel as if I have a firm grip on reality. I know I am alive, I know where I am, I know who I am, I know the date, I know why I am at Stevens, even psychological tests deem me as mentally stable and understands his reality, but yet, I still feel I am on...autopilot.
With barely any time to myself, I cannot do many things I want. I am a guy that revolves around his hobbies, but with so little time, I cannot pursuit them. Like I said, I barely have any time to work out, tennis rarely gets fit in, even less with winter coming closer and closer every day, I have no time to look up new recipes to cook up, and my guitar that I got for my birthday is collecting dust! I do not have any time to do archery, go bowling, pay attention to Wall Street anymore, or dance. The only thing I seem to do is play video games, and I do not truly want to play video games all the time, sometimes, its just the only thing I can do. Its almost like a chore than entertainment. Being unhealthy and playing video games all day are my old bad habits. If I really did come a long way from the old days, and now I am going back to the old days, has all this work to get this far been for nothing?
I cannot not even pursuit my aspirations as well. I want nothing more than to go out and do the things I want, but I never can. I want to have fun, but it never happens. I always set goals, but I never succeed at them. One goal was to meet a lot of freshmen, get out there, and meet some new faces, but I have only met a few. Another goal was to go out and be active. Get involved with the school, but clearly, that is not happening.
I feel so alone as well. No one wants to do or can do anything most of the time. I am not the only one who probably has a busy schedule, but because of this, everyone else is tired as well. No one wants to do anything at all. The past couple of Wednesdays, days when we have hours and hours to do anything, we do nothing! Hall Brawls was just on Wednesday, and looking outside from the depressing windows of Jacobus, I felt....something. I cannot exactly describe what it was, but jealousy and anger are perhaps the closest words. Seeing everyone outside...having fun, and getting active, interactive with each other...while me and all my friends were inside, playing video games or doing some work because they had nothing better to do, or doing nothing at all! Fridays are no better. Everyone goes out on Fridays, remember? Last Friday was my friend Sam's birthday, and we went out...for once. His car broke down on the way to his own birthday get together, which was really bad for all of us. Even with this tragedy, that Friday was perhaps the best Friday I have had...in awhile. Fortunately for me, the next Friday, my friends from back home came to my place on this past Thursday. They needed a place to crash so they could visit the city on Friday. While they went to the city, I had to go to school, but they met up with me after class was finished in the city. It was fun to hang out with old friends. We actually got into Dave and Busters even though we were only 19. These are probably the only two "big" things I have done all semester. Almost every Friday I stay around school, looking around for people, anyone, that I know, that is willing to do something, anything at all. I just do not want to go home on a Friday at like 7 PM. That is no way to end on a Friday. Many times though, I do not find anyone to do anything with. Sometimes they go home, or already left to do something with their friends, or some just completely disappear off the face of the earth until Monday. But whatever the case may be, the result has been always the same every Friday for me, a lonely walk home.
Physically stability, mental stability, emotional stability, and social stability have been the four key points of my life, the four struts that keep me standing. These four struts are what kept me happy, and even when one or even two would give out, I could still stand, but now, with everything breaking underneath me, I feel as if I am...falling I guess. Whatever is happening, all I know is that something needs to change, now!
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
If you can believe...
"Whatever the mind of man can conceive and believe, it can achieve." W. Clement Stone
Believe…
Such a strong word. Our minds are very complex. If we just believe in anything enough, we can achieve it. When it comes to me, I am a huge believer. I believe in God/a higher being. I believe that everyone can find happiness. Hell, I even believe in magic. We have vehicles that can fly. Is not that somewhat “magic?” But there is one thing that I find rather difficult believing. It is rather ironic really.
Love – A solitary word that has numerous meanings. Everyone has their own definition of love. As for me, I do not quite know what I define love as.
The basic of love is probably the same for everyone. Two people who can connect with each other want to be closer. They may end up getting married and want to settle down to start a family of their own. That is perhaps the basic definition, yet people make up their own definition of love, one they want to believe. People always claim when they see someone, it was “love at first sight.” They claimed that they knew they loved the person before they even met them. I frown at this because it is literally impossible. And what makes it “love at first sight?” You would not even know the person’s name or personality. All you would know would be their appearance, so does that mean you “fell in love” with their appearance at first sight? That is rather silly.
People always claim they have their “soul mate,” that fate made it so that two would be together. I wrote a whole philosophy paper on this claim. Is not love just compatibility? Is not love just two people who have the preferred interests, personalities, and appearance of their other? Is not that just what love really is? Is not love just another word for compatibility?
People always want to have that “fairy tale ending,” but it never comes true. There is no such thing as fairy tale endings. Two people do not fall in love and live “happily ever after.” It is just fairy tale stories that were fed to us when we were little. Now we grow older wanting the ideal outcome, to have the ending we have heard about since we were young. People tend to think of “love” as what they see in the movies: filled with drama, and then a happy ending, but that never is the case.
Even the young are brainwashed into thinking that love is such an amazing thing. Middle and high schoolers literally end their lives over their failed relationship, thinking that there is no one like their now ex-lover. They think they found their “one true love” in an area that consists of only a few hundred people. Even with six billion people in the world, out of a few hundred people, middle and high schoolers think they found love. This just proves my philosophy paper. At first they were compatible, but as time went on, certain aspects were found that were not. Statistically, 1% of high school relationships last. With the odds against them, they still foolishly think their love is different, that their love is “strong enough to beat the odds.” Does not every couple think their relationship is different? Some people are even silly enough to think that their long distance relationships will last. Every couple thinks that, but the relationship fails.
Love is a silly game. It is a waste of time.
There is no such thing as love.
Unfortunately, I am a hypocrite.
Yes, I do not believe in love…But I want to. I want to believe that there really is a such thing as love at first sight. I want to believe that I loved someone before I met her. I want to believe I have a soul mate. And I want that fairy tale ending. But believing and wanting are two different things. Yes, I was in love before. In fact, all during high school I felt I was in love, with one person, but there was no fairy tale ending that we all so seek. In fact, it ended rather tragically. I am not saying this one incident is a macrocosm over my view of love, but it sure did not help it. Those four years were the greatest. It was because of love that I did foolish things. It was because of love that I pushed myself to my limit every day. It was because of love that made me want become a better person, and to this day, has never stopped doing. It was because of love that made me who I am today. I want to be in love again. I want to have a reason to push myself even harder. I want that feeling of waking up every day with one person on my mind. But how can I find love…if I do not believe in love.
"Whatever the mind of man can conceive and believe, it can achieve."
And I want to believe…
Friday, May 22, 2009
Just so sad...
Okay yes I know I've been rather behind on the whole blogspot thing. But I'm back atleast for now. Okay, as you may or may not know, you might consider me a gamer. Yes, I play games, fine. I find them fun, interactive, something to keep me focused on instead of being bored my entire life. And you also may or may not know that I have an executive board position in the gaming club here at Stevens, so yea, I do LAN parties. Sounds sad yes, but hey whatever. I love the club because there is barely any drama in there. The worst drama you would face is being shot in the head by someone in the game, but that's it...Or so I thought. I saw something the other day that made me just want to scream "Wow you are a loser!"
One popular game is "Left 4 Dead" where 4 survivors are left in a city full of zombies and must fight their way out. A very fun game I must say. There was this one...I guess...couple...if you can call it that, that were playing together alone with 2 other members. By the amount of screaming and cheering going on, I could tell it was close game. But then the guy in the couple began to become irritated. He starts screaming at his girl. He goes "You had one HP left and you sat there asking questions. Quit asking questions and pay attention!" I hear this and I'm like...wow...I know intense gamers are not looked too highly upon, and hell, I have an executive board member in that club, so in some sense, I am a leader of the people who aren't looked highly of, but this was just ridiculous. I mean the guy took the game WAY too seriously to the point where he would yell at his own girlfriend. Doesn't he realize he should be grateful to even have a girl here at Stevens? Okay fine maybe she was ugly as hell, but still. All the girl did was apologize too, and the guy responded with a "don't say you're sorry." Gosh sometimes people just need to calm down and realize its just a damn game. Its not life or anything. If you ever see me get like that ever, please just kill me.
One popular game is "Left 4 Dead" where 4 survivors are left in a city full of zombies and must fight their way out. A very fun game I must say. There was this one...I guess...couple...if you can call it that, that were playing together alone with 2 other members. By the amount of screaming and cheering going on, I could tell it was close game. But then the guy in the couple began to become irritated. He starts screaming at his girl. He goes "You had one HP left and you sat there asking questions. Quit asking questions and pay attention!" I hear this and I'm like...wow...I know intense gamers are not looked too highly upon, and hell, I have an executive board member in that club, so in some sense, I am a leader of the people who aren't looked highly of, but this was just ridiculous. I mean the guy took the game WAY too seriously to the point where he would yell at his own girlfriend. Doesn't he realize he should be grateful to even have a girl here at Stevens? Okay fine maybe she was ugly as hell, but still. All the girl did was apologize too, and the guy responded with a "don't say you're sorry." Gosh sometimes people just need to calm down and realize its just a damn game. Its not life or anything. If you ever see me get like that ever, please just kill me.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Arggg
I wanted to write about things I was feeling right now, about how things are going in life for me, but then I remembered...I have a calculus final in two...or technically now, one day...So I'll get back to you guys on that!
Monday, April 13, 2009
Micro Expressions Day 1
Yes yes I know its been over a month and I have not updated. Okay so I may have lied a little back then, but I'm back now! Anyway let us get on with it. I have some extra time since I am waiting for my hair to dry before I head to bed.
So, on TV there is a show called "Lie to Me." Basically, this show has a group of "deception experts" that go around solving problems. In other words, they are mobile lie detectors. A friend named Ellen Yoon told me about the show. I occasionally take advise and do it on a whim, so I decided to do it for that. I went to Hulu and looked up the show. It was a new show that had only three episodes out. I gave the show a view. Normally, pilots of a series usually are bad, but Lie to Me had a pilot that was pretty catching. Apparently, when a person lies, there are micro expressions in their face that can hint that they are lying. I was intrigued so I did some further research. These micro expressions are so faint and quick that they only last at MAXIMUM a tenth of a second, so these expressions can be shorter. In the show, the deception experts looked for signs like these. There was something that I did not like about the show however. When the show would portray someone lying, they would either show signs on the liar that way too quick for the normal eye, or perhaps signs that were not even there, or they made the liar INCREDIBLY obvious that he was lying. I did not want to learn from a TV show, especially one that did a terrible job at portraying things, so I took matters into my own hands. I did some more research the day before yesterday about micro expressions and found a couple things interesting.
Apparently, micro expressions are different with every person. Some people will flutter their eyes, twitch their lips, lick them, blink a lot, the list goes on. Some of these signs are so subtle that they are nearly impossible to identify. Have you ever had that "gut feeling" that someone does not like you when you first meet them? Its due to micro expressions that you pick up when you first meet someone. I wanted to give this deception detection a try and decided to see if I could find any videos online of people lying/telling the truth on Youtube. I found a video of a person who did a project on micro expressions. He had a couple of people write five emotion driven facts about themselves. The thing was, three of them were true and two of them were false. He would identify the expressions as the video went on. During the last two minutes, he gave the viewers a test. An elderly man said five facts of himself. I was only able to get one of them correct. I wanted to do more exercises like that, but I could not find more videos. I decided maybe I should try this out on my friends.
Earlier yesterday, I got a few people into my friend Mae's room and asked a few people to write down five facts about themselves and make three true and two false. Long story short, I was only able to get one right on two of them and none right on one. It looked like I had a lot of practice to do. Eventually, we began to say facts right off the top of our heads so it kept the thinking to a minimum. I can say that I only got half of the guess right, but that was not good enough since statistically I am supposed to get half of them right, it was either true or false. Not only that, there were some people who messed around a little, and it would cause everyone to laugh or look away, so this interfered with my "research." Every single time I thought I found the micro expression that told me a fact was a lie was contradicted. I felt as if things were going no where, and I was on the verge of giving up.
I tried thinking of reasons why this was not working, but did not come up with anything. Eventually, I received another "test subject." Her name was Dawn and she was not in the room for most of the testing so I asked her a couple questions. The questions then turned into a "story" where she would answer multiple questions rapidly, like an interview. There was one thing that really caught my eye when she spoke. She said that her family was close together, but right at that moment, her eyes wandered to the left for a faction of a second. No one was even there in that direction, so she was not looking at someone. Later, I discovered that her family being close together was a lie! I began to wonder why I was able to clearly see it in her face when she lied.
That night and went home and thought of a conclusion. Perhaps the only reason why it was so hard to find lies on my friends faces and why micro expressions I thought I found contradicted was because my "test subjects" were aware of the experiment. The experiment was turned on me some time through the test, and I realized that when I was asked questions, I knew what they were trying to look for, so I would forcibly keep a relaxed face. I WANTED to fool them, and that was the ultimate goal. Perhaps that was what happened when I tested my friends. Perhaps they wanted to fool me because they knew what I was looking for. I came to this conclusion on Day 1 of testing.
Next time when I test for micro expressions, I need to look for random subjects, some that will not have that much time to prepare for this. I also have to keep what I am looking for a secret because if the subjects knew I was trying to catch deception through their faces, that could interfere with everything. Another error I had before was that I made people repeat what they said, to catch any other expressions, but this may have been a bad idea because the next couple of times the subject said it, it would be easier for them to make it look like the truth. What I should do is record the subject saying something and have them say it only once. This way I can watch over the footage as many times as I need. I can even slow things down frame by frame to look for expressions slowly.
This is only Day 1 of my "research" and I guess you can say I am a "noob" when it comes to catching lies...for now.
So, on TV there is a show called "Lie to Me." Basically, this show has a group of "deception experts" that go around solving problems. In other words, they are mobile lie detectors. A friend named Ellen Yoon told me about the show. I occasionally take advise and do it on a whim, so I decided to do it for that. I went to Hulu and looked up the show. It was a new show that had only three episodes out. I gave the show a view. Normally, pilots of a series usually are bad, but Lie to Me had a pilot that was pretty catching. Apparently, when a person lies, there are micro expressions in their face that can hint that they are lying. I was intrigued so I did some further research. These micro expressions are so faint and quick that they only last at MAXIMUM a tenth of a second, so these expressions can be shorter. In the show, the deception experts looked for signs like these. There was something that I did not like about the show however. When the show would portray someone lying, they would either show signs on the liar that way too quick for the normal eye, or perhaps signs that were not even there, or they made the liar INCREDIBLY obvious that he was lying. I did not want to learn from a TV show, especially one that did a terrible job at portraying things, so I took matters into my own hands. I did some more research the day before yesterday about micro expressions and found a couple things interesting.
Apparently, micro expressions are different with every person. Some people will flutter their eyes, twitch their lips, lick them, blink a lot, the list goes on. Some of these signs are so subtle that they are nearly impossible to identify. Have you ever had that "gut feeling" that someone does not like you when you first meet them? Its due to micro expressions that you pick up when you first meet someone. I wanted to give this deception detection a try and decided to see if I could find any videos online of people lying/telling the truth on Youtube. I found a video of a person who did a project on micro expressions. He had a couple of people write five emotion driven facts about themselves. The thing was, three of them were true and two of them were false. He would identify the expressions as the video went on. During the last two minutes, he gave the viewers a test. An elderly man said five facts of himself. I was only able to get one of them correct. I wanted to do more exercises like that, but I could not find more videos. I decided maybe I should try this out on my friends.
Earlier yesterday, I got a few people into my friend Mae's room and asked a few people to write down five facts about themselves and make three true and two false. Long story short, I was only able to get one right on two of them and none right on one. It looked like I had a lot of practice to do. Eventually, we began to say facts right off the top of our heads so it kept the thinking to a minimum. I can say that I only got half of the guess right, but that was not good enough since statistically I am supposed to get half of them right, it was either true or false. Not only that, there were some people who messed around a little, and it would cause everyone to laugh or look away, so this interfered with my "research." Every single time I thought I found the micro expression that told me a fact was a lie was contradicted. I felt as if things were going no where, and I was on the verge of giving up.
I tried thinking of reasons why this was not working, but did not come up with anything. Eventually, I received another "test subject." Her name was Dawn and she was not in the room for most of the testing so I asked her a couple questions. The questions then turned into a "story" where she would answer multiple questions rapidly, like an interview. There was one thing that really caught my eye when she spoke. She said that her family was close together, but right at that moment, her eyes wandered to the left for a faction of a second. No one was even there in that direction, so she was not looking at someone. Later, I discovered that her family being close together was a lie! I began to wonder why I was able to clearly see it in her face when she lied.
That night and went home and thought of a conclusion. Perhaps the only reason why it was so hard to find lies on my friends faces and why micro expressions I thought I found contradicted was because my "test subjects" were aware of the experiment. The experiment was turned on me some time through the test, and I realized that when I was asked questions, I knew what they were trying to look for, so I would forcibly keep a relaxed face. I WANTED to fool them, and that was the ultimate goal. Perhaps that was what happened when I tested my friends. Perhaps they wanted to fool me because they knew what I was looking for. I came to this conclusion on Day 1 of testing.
Next time when I test for micro expressions, I need to look for random subjects, some that will not have that much time to prepare for this. I also have to keep what I am looking for a secret because if the subjects knew I was trying to catch deception through their faces, that could interfere with everything. Another error I had before was that I made people repeat what they said, to catch any other expressions, but this may have been a bad idea because the next couple of times the subject said it, it would be easier for them to make it look like the truth. What I should do is record the subject saying something and have them say it only once. This way I can watch over the footage as many times as I need. I can even slow things down frame by frame to look for expressions slowly.
This is only Day 1 of my "research" and I guess you can say I am a "noob" when it comes to catching lies...for now.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
ABDC? No, how about just ABCD's
There seems to be something out there that really bothers me. On MTV there is a show that is called America's Best Dance Crew, or ABDC for the acronym. In my honest opinion, I feel that it is a such a waste of a television slot. Don't get me wrong, I still think ABDC is a good show, but the underlying facts make me disgusted at the overall show.
Let's start with the basics. The past seasons, ABDC has been making people's jaw drop with impressive moves and synchronized routines, but what is the point of watching the show when you know there will be always something better later? There have been three seasons so far, two with a winner. Each season, people have been claiming a certain crew as their favorite. But wouldn't you say that this process is just an endless cycle? Every season there will always be a favorite dance crew by each person, so by season "n," a person will have "n" amount of favorite crews. Here is some calculus. In that equation, let n = infinity. So basically, a person will have an infinity amount of favorite crews. Their "favorite crew" appetite will be insatiable.
Since some people only follow ABDC as their source of dance crews, a person will be limited to the crews that are shown in the show. There are many more amazing crews out there, but ABDC makes people lazy and only pay attention to crews on the show. It limits a person's knowledge of dance crews. Have you ever heard of the Rock Steady Crew? Rock So Fresh? Last 4 One? Rock Force Crew? Gamblerz? Vagabonds? TIP? Expressions? Break the Funk? Fantastik Armada? Probably not. Most people are only familiar with names like Jabbawockeez or SoReal Cru or Super Crew or even more recently Quest and Beat Freaks. The show, with their line of crews, make viewers think they know a lot of crews, but in reality, they don't. And because of that, viewers don't do any "outside research" of other crews out there. In addition, viewers don't look at other competitions out there, perhaps even better ones. A few include Red Bull BC One (one-on-one b boy tournament) , Battle of the Year (crew vs crew b boy tournament), and Prepix (crew vs crew hip hop tournament).
Whatever happened to the old saying, "dance to express, not to impress?" There is barely any expression in ABDC. Its all about impressing the viewers. What makes things worse is the fact that it isn't that hard to impress the viewers. A head spin or an air flare makes the crowds go wild. What happened to dances that actually had meaning to it? And not just a simple meaning, but a profound one? One example would be a video that can be seen on Youtube. Four men can be seen in the video. Two are on one side of a dividing line, and two on the other. The dividing line was the 38th parallel, the dividing line between North and South Korea. It was a break dancing battle, between North and South Korea, but after a couple rounds, the North Koreans and South Koreans danced together. This video symbolized the feud between the North and South, but in the end, both sides came together and unified representing a hopefully one day whole Korea. In ABDC, there is some expression and meaning to dances, but most of them are petty, like trying to look strong, tough, or sexual.
The next thing that irks me about ABDC is a reason that only applies to some crews. I am aware that some crews are not like this so I'm trying to be as unbiased as I can. ABDC may be one of the quickest ways to get famous. Note that I did NOT say EASIEST. Of course the process of getting to the top of ABDC is a challenge, and I'm not disagreeing with that. Yet, the fact that ABDC makes people famous is just the problem. Some crews only participate in the show for the fame. All they want is to get famous. Like I said before, I know this is not true for all crews, because some crews or participants of crews have their own reasons, like it is their only way to make a living, or is a childhood dream, or anything, but for everyone else, the underlying reason is really just to get famous. This leads to the next problem. With fame, lies money, with money, lies business. Every crew wants to make it to the top in ABDC or at least second place because they know that in the end, they will be overwhelmed with contracts to do commercials, appear at shows, or just have their own t-shirts. Every season, there are always those to feel that they "have to have" the winning crew's t-shirt which cost like $30. Every season, winning crews appear in ads. Every season, there is always a show that features the winning crew, selling thousands of dollars in tickets sales. ABDC is nothing more than just a business.
Why does everything today have to be about business? About money? About prosperity? About notoriety?. Society has taken something that was once pure, about having fun and just expressing, and corrupted it and turned it into a marketing strategy. Do the crews really want to dance or are they forced to? Aren't they pretty much forced to dance every week to satisfy the viewer? Since when did dancing turn into a CHORE? Now, there is no real proof that that is true though because the dancers never actually say "dancing is a chore." But look at it like this. If you had a week to learn a routine, under all that pressure, with so many viewers watching, and fame and fortune at risk and repeated the cycle for a whole season, would you TRULY WANT to dance? Probably not. Then wouldn't you say that ABDC is just a facade?
What annoys me the MOST about ABDC is the fact that ABDC makes people so arrogant. It makes it as if viewers know what they are talking about and that they are right. I'm not talking about a viewer talking about the difficulty of a move, or how to initiate a move, I'm talking about how viewers think they know the history behind crews and how blindly they compare other crews to crews they have only seen in ABDC. Here is a PERFECT example of what I mean. This just happened. A Prepix hip-hop dance crew recorded a video of a practice routine. This crew wore colored-coded gloves and shirt, and wore masks. This crew has been around for some time. The video itself is a couple years old. The performance was great, however, some of the comments did not agree. One comment caught my eye. As I read it, I was infuriated. He said, " Mask n gloves also? Hmm were have i seen that before?" Of course he was relating to Jabbawockeez. This arrogant fool thought that the crew COPIED the mask and gloves from Jabbawockeez! And his tone is just unacceptable. This crew has been around longer than Jabbawockeez. They have been doing the gloves and masks longer than Jabbawockeez. These guys have been around LONGER than Jabbawockeez. Jabbawockeez wasn't even known at the time. Thanks to ABDC, any crew out there that wears masks and gloves in their routines will be viewed by viewers of ABDC as a crew that copied Jabbawockeez. How more wrong can they be? What is even more unfortunate is the fact that this was only one of the comments. There were many more arrogant people who decided to comment on that video saying the same exact thing. And not only that, this is not the only video that met that fate. ANY dance crew's video out there on the internet that allows comments will have some arrogant punk's comment comparing that crew to Jabbawockeez or SuperC3ew. Just because the Jabbawockeez or SuperCr3w, or even Quest or Beatfreaks does something or has an idea, that doesn't mean it makes it theirs! People even compare crews on ABDC to other crews when the two crew's styles are not even the same! These people are so quick to assume that Jabbawockeez or SuperCr3w or any other crew on ABDC is better than any other crew out there!
ABDC will be a show that I will never enjoy at the state it is in right now. Yet, even though I feel strongly about my opinions, there are exceptions. There are a few videos of ABDC that are genuinely good, like the Jabbawockeez Micheal Jackson remix and not EVERY VIEWER is easily impressed by ABDC or arrogant, I did not mean to offend you. However, there are a vast majority of people who are. America's Best Dance Crew is a good show, but for all the wrong reasons and I would never consider anyone on America's Best Dance Crew to truly be the best dance crew. Bottom line, ABDC is overrated.
I know everyone will have their own opinion about ABDC. You may love it, you may hate it, you may be neutral about it, but it is evident that I do not enjoy the show. If you like the show, please, don't be so quick to assume that everything I wrote is blasphemy. Take what I said into consideration and look at ABDC from a different point of view.
Let's start with the basics. The past seasons, ABDC has been making people's jaw drop with impressive moves and synchronized routines, but what is the point of watching the show when you know there will be always something better later? There have been three seasons so far, two with a winner. Each season, people have been claiming a certain crew as their favorite. But wouldn't you say that this process is just an endless cycle? Every season there will always be a favorite dance crew by each person, so by season "n," a person will have "n" amount of favorite crews. Here is some calculus. In that equation, let n = infinity. So basically, a person will have an infinity amount of favorite crews. Their "favorite crew" appetite will be insatiable.
Since some people only follow ABDC as their source of dance crews, a person will be limited to the crews that are shown in the show. There are many more amazing crews out there, but ABDC makes people lazy and only pay attention to crews on the show. It limits a person's knowledge of dance crews. Have you ever heard of the Rock Steady Crew? Rock So Fresh? Last 4 One? Rock Force Crew? Gamblerz? Vagabonds? TIP? Expressions? Break the Funk? Fantastik Armada? Probably not. Most people are only familiar with names like Jabbawockeez or SoReal Cru or Super Crew or even more recently Quest and Beat Freaks. The show, with their line of crews, make viewers think they know a lot of crews, but in reality, they don't. And because of that, viewers don't do any "outside research" of other crews out there. In addition, viewers don't look at other competitions out there, perhaps even better ones. A few include Red Bull BC One (one-on-one b boy tournament) , Battle of the Year (crew vs crew b boy tournament), and Prepix (crew vs crew hip hop tournament).
Whatever happened to the old saying, "dance to express, not to impress?" There is barely any expression in ABDC. Its all about impressing the viewers. What makes things worse is the fact that it isn't that hard to impress the viewers. A head spin or an air flare makes the crowds go wild. What happened to dances that actually had meaning to it? And not just a simple meaning, but a profound one? One example would be a video that can be seen on Youtube. Four men can be seen in the video. Two are on one side of a dividing line, and two on the other. The dividing line was the 38th parallel, the dividing line between North and South Korea. It was a break dancing battle, between North and South Korea, but after a couple rounds, the North Koreans and South Koreans danced together. This video symbolized the feud between the North and South, but in the end, both sides came together and unified representing a hopefully one day whole Korea. In ABDC, there is some expression and meaning to dances, but most of them are petty, like trying to look strong, tough, or sexual.
The next thing that irks me about ABDC is a reason that only applies to some crews. I am aware that some crews are not like this so I'm trying to be as unbiased as I can. ABDC may be one of the quickest ways to get famous. Note that I did NOT say EASIEST. Of course the process of getting to the top of ABDC is a challenge, and I'm not disagreeing with that. Yet, the fact that ABDC makes people famous is just the problem. Some crews only participate in the show for the fame. All they want is to get famous. Like I said before, I know this is not true for all crews, because some crews or participants of crews have their own reasons, like it is their only way to make a living, or is a childhood dream, or anything, but for everyone else, the underlying reason is really just to get famous. This leads to the next problem. With fame, lies money, with money, lies business. Every crew wants to make it to the top in ABDC or at least second place because they know that in the end, they will be overwhelmed with contracts to do commercials, appear at shows, or just have their own t-shirts. Every season, there are always those to feel that they "have to have" the winning crew's t-shirt which cost like $30. Every season, winning crews appear in ads. Every season, there is always a show that features the winning crew, selling thousands of dollars in tickets sales. ABDC is nothing more than just a business.
Why does everything today have to be about business? About money? About prosperity? About notoriety?. Society has taken something that was once pure, about having fun and just expressing, and corrupted it and turned it into a marketing strategy. Do the crews really want to dance or are they forced to? Aren't they pretty much forced to dance every week to satisfy the viewer? Since when did dancing turn into a CHORE? Now, there is no real proof that that is true though because the dancers never actually say "dancing is a chore." But look at it like this. If you had a week to learn a routine, under all that pressure, with so many viewers watching, and fame and fortune at risk and repeated the cycle for a whole season, would you TRULY WANT to dance? Probably not. Then wouldn't you say that ABDC is just a facade?
What annoys me the MOST about ABDC is the fact that ABDC makes people so arrogant. It makes it as if viewers know what they are talking about and that they are right. I'm not talking about a viewer talking about the difficulty of a move, or how to initiate a move, I'm talking about how viewers think they know the history behind crews and how blindly they compare other crews to crews they have only seen in ABDC. Here is a PERFECT example of what I mean. This just happened. A Prepix hip-hop dance crew recorded a video of a practice routine. This crew wore colored-coded gloves and shirt, and wore masks. This crew has been around for some time. The video itself is a couple years old. The performance was great, however, some of the comments did not agree. One comment caught my eye. As I read it, I was infuriated. He said, " Mask n gloves also? Hmm were have i seen that before?" Of course he was relating to Jabbawockeez. This arrogant fool thought that the crew COPIED the mask and gloves from Jabbawockeez! And his tone is just unacceptable. This crew has been around longer than Jabbawockeez. They have been doing the gloves and masks longer than Jabbawockeez. These guys have been around LONGER than Jabbawockeez. Jabbawockeez wasn't even known at the time. Thanks to ABDC, any crew out there that wears masks and gloves in their routines will be viewed by viewers of ABDC as a crew that copied Jabbawockeez. How more wrong can they be? What is even more unfortunate is the fact that this was only one of the comments. There were many more arrogant people who decided to comment on that video saying the same exact thing. And not only that, this is not the only video that met that fate. ANY dance crew's video out there on the internet that allows comments will have some arrogant punk's comment comparing that crew to Jabbawockeez or SuperC3ew. Just because the Jabbawockeez or SuperCr3w, or even Quest or Beatfreaks does something or has an idea, that doesn't mean it makes it theirs! People even compare crews on ABDC to other crews when the two crew's styles are not even the same! These people are so quick to assume that Jabbawockeez or SuperCr3w or any other crew on ABDC is better than any other crew out there!
ABDC will be a show that I will never enjoy at the state it is in right now. Yet, even though I feel strongly about my opinions, there are exceptions. There are a few videos of ABDC that are genuinely good, like the Jabbawockeez Micheal Jackson remix and not EVERY VIEWER is easily impressed by ABDC or arrogant, I did not mean to offend you. However, there are a vast majority of people who are. America's Best Dance Crew is a good show, but for all the wrong reasons and I would never consider anyone on America's Best Dance Crew to truly be the best dance crew. Bottom line, ABDC is overrated.
I know everyone will have their own opinion about ABDC. You may love it, you may hate it, you may be neutral about it, but it is evident that I do not enjoy the show. If you like the show, please, don't be so quick to assume that everything I wrote is blasphemy. Take what I said into consideration and look at ABDC from a different point of view.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Creation
Ah I made a blog! I realized that many times I have long deep thoughts about certain topics usually when I am relaxing. I could never really tell anyone theses thoughts because...no one is usually there. When I finally have people around me, its usually the next day and I have already forgotten. So I thought, why not make a blog, a place to voice my opinion, write down my thoughts, and maybe improve my writing skills. I usually have a really deep thought maybe once a week, so you should check often. I would love to hear your opinions about anything I write and you never know, I might talk about something juicy. It is a bit late right now so I won't write anything more than this, but I will once I get the time.
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