Demotivated

I finally have my head back on straight from yesterdays ordeal. I had some thinking time, some talks too, and I noticed something. Just recently, things were getting crazy, with my physical health low, emotionally upset, and work constantly piling up, I felt like I was about to lose it. But then, I found motivation. It helped me get through the hell storm. Once it was over, the motivation was still there, and I felt happy once again. I had the energy once again to pursue my hobbies, picked up a new song on my guitar, began running and lifting again, and took care of myself some more. But all good things apparently come to an end...I had some more talks with some friends, and now I am more confused than ever. I do not know what to do now and its coming to the point where I am beginning to lose that motivation that saved me. It stopped the dust from collecting on my guitar. It made me switch from the 20 pounds to the 40 pounds. It made me run along the Hudson River many nights. Every time I try to work more with this motivation, it seems that everything I do goes wrong. Nothing is going right! And my friends sure are not helping with it. I don't think I can keep this motivation anymore. As extremely cliche I think this sound and as much as I hate hear this phrase, it made me better, but now, I lost the motivation to keep the motivation. I don't know what to do now...

Disoriented...

I'm not too sure what is going on right now. I feel so disoriented. Here is what happened.
There was a breakdancing jam today at Stevens. Being a past bboy, I really wanted to go, especially since it was at my own school, so I went. I arrive there and the competition has not started yet. It was mostly cyphers. I found Steve Gong and went with him to do a few things in the gym. I meet a few new people, dance a bit, nothing too extreme. So eventually the competition starts. There were 32 crews and it was a normal tournement style bracket. I unfortunately had to get a seat next to the speaker with loud music playing. For some reason, I did not leave that spot the whole night, probably because space was a bit limited...in a gym the size of Walker...So to tournement goes on. Long competition story short, a winner is a declared. This is where things got a little freaky. Me and Steve split up. He went back to Jonas, and I was about to head home. For some reason...I went to Jacobus to see if it was open. It was not. I then went to the bathroom upstairs. There was crap in the toilet...oh and on it too. I then went to Castle Point. I sat there thinking about a few things. Then I started to walk home. I cut through Babbio because the door was open and I head to the bathroom. I see some kid with a bloody nose. I leave the bathroom and I see some girl dressed like a devil or something. I leave Babbio and get to the park. I see this girl parked at the side of the road at the park throwing up. Her friend was standing next to her, tapping her foot, showing like she was impatient and wanted her friend to hurry up puking. It smelled a bit too. A car almost hits me as I pass the two girl's parked car. I get by second street and I hear some guy go, "So, uh can I have your number?" and the girl didn't really react. I stop by Dunkin Donuts to see a bunch of drunk guys harrassing a girl. The woman next to me on line calls the drunk guys douches. These guys continue to screw around more giving the guy running the store a hard time. I get my food and give the guy an extra tip for his patients. I get to the train station and see a crowd just running, running somewhere I have no idea. I begin to lose balance as I walked on the bridge. Through this whole thing, I lost my sense of time, but somehow had my sense of direction. I come home and ask the doorman to ask me a question, to see if I had a grip on my reality. I then get inside and ask my little to ask me a question. I answer the question correctly, so I still knew my reality, but things still did not seem right. I'm staring dazed at nothing! My world right now feels upside down. Throughout this whole thing, I had no reaction, or at least cannot remember one. Time is flying by. Things sound different and things far away sound close. All I know right now is that I'm home. I'm safe. I just had to write about this. I want to remember this feeling. This feeling sucks, but its...weird. Its interesting...