180.

Its strange how fast things have changed. Before I felt on top of the world. I would go through each day desiring and hoping for more. Now...I can barely make it to the bed at night, just to have it all start over. I beg for it to stop.

Don't worry about me though. I'm going to get it all straightened out, no matter what the cost. No matter how it ends. I don't care if things end well, or if I can never take it back. It will be done. The important thing is that I cannot let my emotions have an effect on my judgment.

Why am I such a Scrooge?

Shesh whats wrong with me? Every year around this time I'm usually happy, and I love these holidays, but for the past two years, I've been so...depressed. 'Tis the season to be jolly" but clearly that's not happening. Now during this season I've been filled with nothing but sadness and anger. I go around and hear everyone making plans on doing something, with their friends and family, but then, in my head, I just think about the things I'm NOT doing with my friends and family. Some friends are not here, some friends are off doing things with their other friends and family, and some here don't want to do anything at all. And my family? Well, we don't do much during this holiday. The best New Year's celebration has been WITHOUT my family, and it wasn't too much. Christmas presents are sort of non-existant. And a tree? My family doesn't know the definition of a tree, at least not anymore. I used to love this time of year. I used to say, "the only good part of winter is Christmas. After that, the rest doesn't matter," but now, I hate winter all together. I can't seem to find comfort anywhere. When I'm home, I may be home alone, but the heat here is half on. Sometimes theres not much food here which leads me to go out to get some, which is somewhat of a walk, or order unhealthy take out. If I'm home at Jersey City, I have to deal with my sister, not to mention I'll have no friends there to hang out with. What bothers me the most is that no one wants to do anything, at all! I know this town does not have much to offer, but we can at least still hang out. But no one wants to do that. All I do is sit at home all day, playing WoW or some other mind-numbing game. I like games, but there is a limit. I do anything to be progressive, like learn new songs on the guitar or go out for a jog, but there needs to be more to my daily schedule. I'm going stir crazy! I'm angry that I'm so alone! I know I should appreciate the things I have, but, I just can't right now. I just want to do something!
I don't feel right sometimes. I feel like I'm a shell of what I used to be before. I feel like that I should be happy, and that I'm forcing myself to act like it, but deep down inside, I'm not. I'm not quite sure though. I think I've fooled even myself to thinking I'm alright, but I don't think I am. I'm confused I guess. I need to work this out. I really wish I had someone to talk to about this, but when I do, I feel like the person doesn't understand truly what I'm going through. Maybe no one CAN help me in this. Maybe all I have right now is myself. Maybe the only person who can help me is me.
I spend these last hours of the year not reminising, but exasperating. This blog wasn't supposed to be filled with posts of how sad or upset I am, but it appears to be the only way to channel this out. I can't talk to anyone about this because no one understands. I don't want to keep this bottled up though. This is the first time I've ever felt like crawling in a hole and hiding there. C'mon John, you need to get your head straight.
Here's to the new year...

Demotivated

I finally have my head back on straight from yesterdays ordeal. I had some thinking time, some talks too, and I noticed something. Just recently, things were getting crazy, with my physical health low, emotionally upset, and work constantly piling up, I felt like I was about to lose it. But then, I found motivation. It helped me get through the hell storm. Once it was over, the motivation was still there, and I felt happy once again. I had the energy once again to pursue my hobbies, picked up a new song on my guitar, began running and lifting again, and took care of myself some more. But all good things apparently come to an end...I had some more talks with some friends, and now I am more confused than ever. I do not know what to do now and its coming to the point where I am beginning to lose that motivation that saved me. It stopped the dust from collecting on my guitar. It made me switch from the 20 pounds to the 40 pounds. It made me run along the Hudson River many nights. Every time I try to work more with this motivation, it seems that everything I do goes wrong. Nothing is going right! And my friends sure are not helping with it. I don't think I can keep this motivation anymore. As extremely cliche I think this sound and as much as I hate hear this phrase, it made me better, but now, I lost the motivation to keep the motivation. I don't know what to do now...

Disoriented...

I'm not too sure what is going on right now. I feel so disoriented. Here is what happened.
There was a breakdancing jam today at Stevens. Being a past bboy, I really wanted to go, especially since it was at my own school, so I went. I arrive there and the competition has not started yet. It was mostly cyphers. I found Steve Gong and went with him to do a few things in the gym. I meet a few new people, dance a bit, nothing too extreme. So eventually the competition starts. There were 32 crews and it was a normal tournement style bracket. I unfortunately had to get a seat next to the speaker with loud music playing. For some reason, I did not leave that spot the whole night, probably because space was a bit limited...in a gym the size of Walker...So to tournement goes on. Long competition story short, a winner is a declared. This is where things got a little freaky. Me and Steve split up. He went back to Jonas, and I was about to head home. For some reason...I went to Jacobus to see if it was open. It was not. I then went to the bathroom upstairs. There was crap in the toilet...oh and on it too. I then went to Castle Point. I sat there thinking about a few things. Then I started to walk home. I cut through Babbio because the door was open and I head to the bathroom. I see some kid with a bloody nose. I leave the bathroom and I see some girl dressed like a devil or something. I leave Babbio and get to the park. I see this girl parked at the side of the road at the park throwing up. Her friend was standing next to her, tapping her foot, showing like she was impatient and wanted her friend to hurry up puking. It smelled a bit too. A car almost hits me as I pass the two girl's parked car. I get by second street and I hear some guy go, "So, uh can I have your number?" and the girl didn't really react. I stop by Dunkin Donuts to see a bunch of drunk guys harrassing a girl. The woman next to me on line calls the drunk guys douches. These guys continue to screw around more giving the guy running the store a hard time. I get my food and give the guy an extra tip for his patients. I get to the train station and see a crowd just running, running somewhere I have no idea. I begin to lose balance as I walked on the bridge. Through this whole thing, I lost my sense of time, but somehow had my sense of direction. I come home and ask the doorman to ask me a question, to see if I had a grip on my reality. I then get inside and ask my little to ask me a question. I answer the question correctly, so I still knew my reality, but things still did not seem right. I'm staring dazed at nothing! My world right now feels upside down. Throughout this whole thing, I had no reaction, or at least cannot remember one. Time is flying by. Things sound different and things far away sound close. All I know right now is that I'm home. I'm safe. I just had to write about this. I want to remember this feeling. This feeling sucks, but its...weird. Its interesting...

Physical/Mental/Emotional/Social Exhaustion

I write this because I think I will feel better once I do.
Everything has suddenly become so difficult. It has only been about 6 weeks into school, and already I feel like I have reached my limit. Lately, I have just been so physically tired since almost every day I have to walk to school. It is only a 20 minute walk one way, but then I have to walk it back as well. What is different this semester is that the bridge connecting Hoboken and Newport is open, so the time it takes to get to school is just a flat 20 minutes, but its all walking. I used to take the Pathtrain, which at least would give me a place to sit down halfway through the commute. It isn not the walk that tires me out however. I also sometimes do not get enough sleep the night before. I do not usually function very well without adequate sleep, so making room in my schedule to have sleep is a must, but you know how us college students are, we stay up late for no apparent reason. I really wish I could change my mentality to realize that the earlier I sleep, the earlier I wake up. I have been so tired that I do not really do what I used to do a few weeks ago. I used to hit the gym many times during the week, play tennis whenever I could, cook my own food, and stay physically healthy, but it seems as if I do not have time for that anymore. Whenever I do have time however, I am just so tired that the only thing I want to do is play video games. Its almost I am reverting back to my old self, my old lazy self. This semester, I do not have the luxury of staying at someone's dorm, a place with a bed to nap or relax. Guess I took Cianyl's dorm room for granted. Finding food to eat has because such a hassle. I want to order delivery, but in the back of my mind, I know that delivery is pricey, and on top of that, unhealthy. People always tell me to stop thinking about it, but I cannot help it. Money is not the issue to me, its the nutritional value. I would like to think that I have come a long way from the "Tubby" days. I would rather not go back to old bad habits. But sometimes, I cannot help it. I do not have the urge to cook my own food as much anymore, which leads me to ordering out, which leads to unhealthy habits, which leads to weight gain, which leads back to the lifestyle I used to live, which ultimately leads to sadness. I do not want to go back there again. Being physically happy is very important to me, and I have been, up until now...
What makes matters worse is that my mental stamina has almost run out. I was so worried about doing so well the beginning of this semester, I think I used up all my juice. I did start off well this semester though, I actually have a B in calculus for once, well for now, but now the material in all the classes are getting harder, and I feel I do not have any more focus left in me. I catch myself many times not paying attention in class. I feel like I always seem to switch my focus on other things, like looking at the weather outside, or picking at my nails, so much that I do not pay attention to the material in the class, material that is more conceptual to the subject and crucial to pay attention to. Not to mention, I have a few "joke" classes where I have no idea what is going on in. Its getting really hard to focus on almost anything any more. What can I do to feel mentally normal again? Its like, I cannot focus on this blog without looking around the room every once in awhile or looking outside the window for something interesting or picking at my nails!
On top of all this, I do not feel completely...happy, anymore. Generally, I am happy. You can probably see my smiling every now and then, and I can assure you that it is not a facade. Usually when I am smiling, I am usually thinking about something happy, that makes me smile, but lately, any happy though has been concealed from my mind. It almost feels as if I am on auto pilot. I tend to think, a lot, about anything, when I see something, I analyze it, even to completely random things, like how a tree branch looks like a hand. My mind is really random sometimes, its spontaneous, and its just the way I like it, but now with all this going on, I cannot seem to think...of anything, anymore. These thoughts would cause spontaneous outbursts every now and then, I would not call it tourettes syndrome, more like, keeping life interesting, but without any spontaneous thoughts, there are no spontaneous outbursts, which means a dull life. Where is the fun? I do not understand why I am feeling like this . Is it depression? Is all this causing me to lose my sanity? I try not to stay sad for too long, so if it is depression, I do not know if I would know how it feels like, and I feel as if I have a firm grip on reality. I know I am alive, I know where I am, I know who I am, I know the date, I know why I am at Stevens, even psychological tests deem me as mentally stable and understands his reality, but yet, I still feel I am on...autopilot.
With barely any time to myself, I cannot do many things I want. I am a guy that revolves around his hobbies, but with so little time, I cannot pursuit them. Like I said, I barely have any time to work out, tennis rarely gets fit in, even less with winter coming closer and closer every day, I have no time to look up new recipes to cook up, and my guitar that I got for my birthday is collecting dust! I do not have any time to do archery, go bowling, pay attention to Wall Street anymore, or dance. The only thing I seem to do is play video games, and I do not truly want to play video games all the time, sometimes, its just the only thing I can do. Its almost like a chore than entertainment. Being unhealthy and playing video games all day are my old bad habits. If I really did come a long way from the old days, and now I am going back to the old days, has all this work to get this far been for nothing?
I cannot not even pursuit my aspirations as well. I want nothing more than to go out and do the things I want, but I never can. I want to have fun, but it never happens. I always set goals, but I never succeed at them. One goal was to meet a lot of freshmen, get out there, and meet some new faces, but I have only met a few. Another goal was to go out and be active. Get involved with the school, but clearly, that is not happening.
I feel so alone as well. No one wants to do or can do anything most of the time. I am not the only one who probably has a busy schedule, but because of this, everyone else is tired as well. No one wants to do anything at all. The past couple of Wednesdays, days when we have hours and hours to do anything, we do nothing! Hall Brawls was just on Wednesday, and looking outside from the depressing windows of Jacobus, I felt....something. I cannot exactly describe what it was, but jealousy and anger are perhaps the closest words. Seeing everyone outside...having fun, and getting active, interactive with each other...while me and all my friends were inside, playing video games or doing some work because they had nothing better to do, or doing nothing at all! Fridays are no better. Everyone goes out on Fridays, remember? Last Friday was my friend Sam's birthday, and we went out...for once. His car broke down on the way to his own birthday get together, which was really bad for all of us. Even with this tragedy, that Friday was perhaps the best Friday I have had...in awhile. Fortunately for me, the next Friday, my friends from back home came to my place on this past Thursday. They needed a place to crash so they could visit the city on Friday. While they went to the city, I had to go to school, but they met up with me after class was finished in the city. It was fun to hang out with old friends. We actually got into Dave and Busters even though we were only 19. These are probably the only two "big" things I have done all semester. Almost every Friday I stay around school, looking around for people, anyone, that I know, that is willing to do something, anything at all. I just do not want to go home on a Friday at like 7 PM. That is no way to end on a Friday. Many times though, I do not find anyone to do anything with. Sometimes they go home, or already left to do something with their friends, or some just completely disappear off the face of the earth until Monday. But whatever the case may be, the result has been always the same every Friday for me, a lonely walk home.
Physically stability, mental stability, emotional stability, and social stability have been the four key points of my life, the four struts that keep me standing. These four struts are what kept me happy, and even when one or even two would give out, I could still stand, but now, with everything breaking underneath me, I feel as if I am...falling I guess. Whatever is happening, all I know is that something needs to change, now!

New School Year

The start of a new school year. I wonder what will happen this year...

If you can believe...

"Whatever the mind of man can conceive and believe, it can achieve." W. Clement Stone

Believe…

Such a strong word. Our minds are very complex. If we just believe in anything enough, we can achieve it. When it comes to me, I am a huge believer. I believe in God/a higher being. I believe that everyone can find happiness. Hell, I even believe in magic. We have vehicles that can fly. Is not that somewhat “magic?” But there is one thing that I find rather difficult believing. It is rather ironic really.

Love – A solitary word that has numerous meanings. Everyone has their own definition of love. As for me, I do not quite know what I define love as.

The basic of love is probably the same for everyone. Two people who can connect with each other want to be closer. They may end up getting married and want to settle down to start a family of their own. That is perhaps the basic definition, yet people make up their own definition of love, one they want to believe. People always claim when they see someone, it was “love at first sight.” They claimed that they knew they loved the person before they even met them. I frown at this because it is literally impossible. And what makes it “love at first sight?” You would not even know the person’s name or personality. All you would know would be their appearance, so does that mean you “fell in love” with their appearance at first sight? That is rather silly.

People always claim they have their “soul mate,” that fate made it so that two would be together. I wrote a whole philosophy paper on this claim. Is not love just compatibility? Is not love just two people who have the preferred interests, personalities, and appearance of their other? Is not that just what love really is? Is not love just another word for compatibility?

People always want to have that “fairy tale ending,” but it never comes true. There is no such thing as fairy tale endings. Two people do not fall in love and live “happily ever after.” It is just fairy tale stories that were fed to us when we were little. Now we grow older wanting the ideal outcome, to have the ending we have heard about since we were young. People tend to think of “love” as what they see in the movies: filled with drama, and then a happy ending, but that never is the case.

Even the young are brainwashed into thinking that love is such an amazing thing. Middle and high schoolers literally end their lives over their failed relationship, thinking that there is no one like their now ex-lover. They think they found their “one true love” in an area that consists of only a few hundred people. Even with six billion people in the world, out of a few hundred people, middle and high schoolers think they found love. This just proves my philosophy paper. At first they were compatible, but as time went on, certain aspects were found that were not. Statistically, 1% of high school relationships last. With the odds against them, they still foolishly think their love is different, that their love is “strong enough to beat the odds.” Does not every couple think their relationship is different? Some people are even silly enough to think that their long distance relationships will last. Every couple thinks that, but the relationship fails.

Love is a silly game. It is a waste of time.

There is no such thing as love.

Unfortunately, I am a hypocrite.

Yes, I do not believe in love…But I want to. I want to believe that there really is a such thing as love at first sight. I want to believe that I loved someone before I met her. I want to believe I have a soul mate. And I want that fairy tale ending. But believing and wanting are two different things. Yes, I was in love before. In fact, all during high school I felt I was in love, with one person, but there was no fairy tale ending that we all so seek. In fact, it ended rather tragically. I am not saying this one incident is a macrocosm over my view of love, but it sure did not help it. Those four years were the greatest. It was because of love that I did foolish things. It was because of love that I pushed myself to my limit every day. It was because of love that made me want become a better person, and to this day, has never stopped doing. It was because of love that made me who I am today. I want to be in love again. I want to have a reason to push myself even harder. I want that feeling of waking up every day with one person on my mind. But how can I find love…if I do not believe in love.

"Whatever the mind of man can conceive and believe, it can achieve."

And I want to believe…